And Then There Was Cheesecake
by Hannah M
Summary: CO-WRITTEN WITH SAILOR JUNO. A plain ole weird fanfic. Juno and Hannah are transported into Harry-verse and chaos ensues. Not much plot, but every character you can think of, and lots of random weirdness. Also, if someone thinks of a better title, I'm gla


Disclaimer: We own nothing.  
  
***   
One day, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were walking by the lake, when a spaceship landed near them, and out walked Britney Spears!   
  
"Gah!" Harry screamed, as perky old Britney jumped towards them.   
  
"Who's that?" Ron asked.   
  
"It's the evil to end all evil," Hermione cried. "Britney Spears!"   
  
"Should we run for it?" Harry asked nervously   
  
Before they had the chance to talk anymore, Britney stripped down to her corset and spiked heels. "Not bad," Ron smiled, and Britney started to sing.   
  
"AHHH!!!!" the three screamed, covering their ears in horror. "Make it stop!"   
  
Upon closer listening, Hermione realized that Britney was, in fact, singing the Oscar Meyer wiener song. It didn't matter, for either way she sounded terrible.   
  
Suddenly, Ron was struck by an unexpected burst of brilliance! He ran over to Britney, as Hermione and Harry shouted their protests, and kicked her hard in the shin.   
  
"OW! $*^$_*^&*$!" Britney cried, kneeling over in pain. "What did you do that for? I mean, Ronnie-kins, I'm a slaaaave for you!"   
  
It suddenly occurred to Hermione that she had her wand. So, she pulled it out! She sent a curse at Britney that made her turn into none other than Severus Snape...the funny thing was, she still had the Britney voice. Ron, Harry, and Hermione all burst into laughter as Britney continued singing. Apparently, she didn't know what had happened to her.   
  
Suddenly, Snape was seen walking toward the four! Hermione, Harry, and Ron froze as Snape's eyes wandered to them, landing on the Snape-Britney. Snape-Britney started doing one of her infamous sexy-dances, as Snape approached them all. Snape-Britney continued the less-than-sensual rotation of her hips as Snape made his presence known. "What is going on here?" He demanded.   
  
"P-p-professor!" Hermione squeaked. Suddenly, Snape-Britney turned around and grinned at Snape, flitting her eyes at him. "Well, hello there, handsome. Who might you be?"   
  
"Professor Severus Snape," Snape glared, and turned to Harry, Hermione, and Ron. "Potter! What did you do?"   
  
Harry stuttered for a minute, and finally answered. "Professor Snape, meet your twin sister"   
  
Snape-Britney waved gleefully, and even Snape was disgusted by how perky she was. "Twin sister?" Snape asked, "You know as well as I that I've no twin sister. Now, before my pile of detention slips shrinks again on your behalf, who is this person, and who turned her into... me?"   
  
"Excuse me, brother, but I am SOOOO much sexier than you!" Snape-Britney exclaimed. "And I believe them when they say I'm your twin sister, although, like I stated, I'm MUCH sexier than you!"   
  
"What is your name?" Snape angrily inquired, and Snape-Britney grinned at him before answering, in that lovely fake accent, "Britney Jean Spears, sir!"   
  
"Then you are most definitely not related to me!" Snape roared. It seemed as though a great row was about to start when who should appear but Juno accompanied by Hannah.   
  
Juno blinked in surprise, and Hannah began to scream, "BLOODY HELL, THERE ARE TWO SNAPES!" And to everyone's surprise, she ran over to (thank goodness,) the real Snape and gave him a big hug.   
  
"Get her off me!" Snape cried, jumping backwards, trying to get the squealing Hannah off of him, and promptly making himself fall into the lake.   
  
Everyone except Snape-Britney burst into laughter as Snape angrily padded his way out of the lake. Hannah ran over to Harry and Ron and gave them each big hugs. Then, she excitedly ran over to Juno, "Look! We're surrounded by Harry Potter people!"   
  
Juno raised an eyebrow as Hannah did the 'happy-it's-Harry' dance. "Yes, Hannah, I'm aware of that. See, we're authors, and authors are often placed in the same realm as Harry Potter people, and more often changed to...Mary Sues..." the five shuddered, and Britney continued her gay dancing   
  
Harry looked over at Hannah and raised his eyebrows to see her doing her happy dance. "Is she.. Sick?" He asked Juno.   
  
"No, she's just...Hannah," Juno told him. Hermione went over to try and stop Hannah, but Hannah was on a roll!   
  
Finally, Britney spontaneously combusted. Hannah cackled and started to sing, "Ding dong the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked...." Suddenly, she looked around her, "Maybe this isn't the best place to be singing that."   
  
It proved to be true as Hermione let out a shriek of anger, and tackled Hannah. They were just getting into a big fist fight when who should run up but Remus Lupin! H   
  
Hermione had enough time to ask him what he was doing there before she started to punch and kick Hannah again. Hannah managed to choke out words like, "AH!" and "I was only kidding!" but she was ignored as Remus said, "Professor Dumbledore said that he had something important to discuss with me. Ron grinned at Remus and asked, "Are you sure it's not Professor McGonagall?" Remus blushed and looked away, mumbling, "No, of course not..."   
  
Meanwhile, Snape was helping Hermione beat the crap out of Hannah. "Gah! Juno! Help me!" Hannah screamed. Juno was about to do something, while Ron gave the blushing Remus a hard time, and Harry was laughing at that, when suddenly…   
  
Hannah grabbed Snapes wand! Hermione and Snape backed off and Hannah grinned. Suddenly she paused. Think Hannah; you have to know some curses from the books. But all she could come up with was, "Lumos!" and neither Hermione nor Snape looked very impressed.   
  
Juno rolled her eyes, and grabbed the wand from Hannah's hand. "Pefitucus Totalus!"   
  
Hannah looked impressed and turned to Juno as Snape fell to the ground, "Wow, that's pretty cool!" Hannah walked away from Juno and finally noticed Remus' presence. "AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" She screamed, and launched herself at him.   
  
Juno, although drooling herself, pried the screaming Hannah off of Remus. "Oh, god, he's even hotter in real life!" Juno whispered. "ARE YOU SINGLE?" Hannah squealed.   
  
Remus looked very frightened as he turned to Ron, "Who are they?" he asked. "Beats me. They just sort of appeared." Ron answered. "They sure seem to like you, though." Ron turned to Hannah and Juno now, "And, no, he's not single-" "IS HE WITH SIRIUS?!" Hannah asked. "Er-- No. He's with McGonagall." Ron grinned.   
  
"I AM NOT!" Remus cried, although he was turning red. Hannah didn't seem to notice this, though, and launched herself at Remus. "Okay, then, you can be MY boyfriend!" she squealed. Remus began to turn blue as his air supply was cut off   
  
"Hannah! You're cutting off his air!" Juno cried, and again pried Hannah's arms from around Remus' neck. "Sorry, but she's just a little obsessed with you."   
  
"A little?" Remus gasped, rubbing his neck as his face gained its color again.   
  
"I WANT HIM TO BE MY BOYFRIEND!" Hannah wailed. "HE SAID HE WAS SINGLE!"   
  
"I did not!" Remus protested.   
  
"YES, YOU DID!" Hannah broke down in tears.   
  
Hannah composed herself a moment later and haughtily refused to make eye contact with anyone around her, "This place bites! Nobody likes me. You'd better be glad I like you together with McGonagall or I'd be really mopey right now." she stormed off, leaving Ron and Juno alone with Remus.   
"That girl has vast mental problems," Ron muttered. "Tell me about it," Juno cheerfully told them. Suddenly, Hannah wheeled around and said, her tone perky again, "Harry hasn't shown me hatred yet! There's still hope!" Then she looked at Juno, "See? I'm not a Mary Sue. I'm the opposite. Everyone here hates me. YOU'RE the Mary Sue!" And everyone gasped at the insult.   
  
"Hey!" Juno retorted. "That's not nice!"   
  
Hermione cleared her throat, and said, "The truth is, I'M the Mary Sue! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!"   
  
Hannah shrugged at Hermione's maniacal laughter and walked over to Harry. "Do you hate me?" She asked.   
  
"No, Hannah, I think I'm in love with you!" Harry declared   
  
Hannah looked shocked and scared, "Uh.. in love..? What about.. Cho.. or Ginny...?" Suddenly, there was a loud crash when Hermione stood with her foot on top of Ron. "Didn't ANY of you hear me? I AM MARY SUE! FEAR ME!" she began to scream with laughter, just as Minerva hurried across the lawn, her wand in hand.   
  
Remus' eyes brightened when he saw Minerva, but it only lasted for a minute. This wasn't time for one of their ... ahem, games. She meant business as she waved her wand at Hermione, causing her to float off of Ron and land harmlessly a few feet away.   
  
"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON HERE?" she cried. "And WHO are you?" she demanded of Hannah and Juno.   
  
Hannah began to scream, "IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU GET TO BE WITH REMUS! I WANT HIM!"   
  
Hannah proceeded to run around, when Harry grabbed her by the shoulders and smacked a big one right on her lips, "AH! Harry kissed me! Harry KISSED me! Harry kissed ME!" And started running around in mad little circles.   
  
"He's no Remus," she pouted, before her eyes brightened again. "But HARRY kissed me!" She glared at Minerva briefly before continuing to spin around in circles   
  
Minerva had lost her fire when Hannah had declared how much she loved Remus. She found he could no longer yell, but only look at the weird, short girl with a mixture of confusion and. well, mostly confusion. Meanwhile, Harry, in a perfect imitation of Hannah, started to spin around in circles chanting, "I kissed her! I kissed her!"   
  
Minerva glanced at Remus. "What is that nutty girl doing?" she questioned. Remus shrugged. Ron grinned before asking, "Have you recently made love?"   
Minerva and Remus both shouted, "NO!" at the same time. Minerva told him to go calm Harry and "that weird girl" down and not to meddle in teachers' businesses anymore. Ron shook his head and walked towards Harry. Suddenly, Snape leaned in and asked in a low voice, "Have you?"   
  
Remus pushed the still sopping wet Snape back into the lake. Meanwhile, Hannah was nowhere to be found. "Wait a minute," Juno said, "She's gone into the castle!"   
  
"ARG!" they all screamed, afraid of what destruction Hannah might cause. As they hurried to the castle, a grumbling Snape climbed out of the lake, and muttered, "I'll take that as a 'yes'. Otherwise I don't think you'd be so touchy."   
  
Hannah grinned to herself as she walked around the castle, stopping to stare at people such as Malfoy, Flitwick, and even Trelawney (who predicted that she was to become immensely popular with her new comrades.) She had started studying the floor she walked on, when she bumped into Dumbledore.   
  
"Hello, Professor Dumbledore, sir," Hannah said, completely serious. "Are you for or against Professors having relationships? Are you aware that Remus and Minerva frequently make love? Do you care? Oh, by the way, I think Professor Snape might be drowning in the lake. Do you care about that?" she finished, waiting for his reaction   
  
For once, Dumbledore was not all knowing. "Who are you?" He asked.   
  
"Oh. I'm Hannah. I kind of just appeared here... everybody hates me except Harry.. he kissed me." She nodded. "Now, will you answer my questions?   
  
"First of all, I don't know how in Merlin's beard you got here. Second of all, what Remus and Minerva...er...do..." "-in bed," Hannah cut in, flashing him a grin. "Right, is THEIR business. NOT YOURS. Third of all, Severus is drowning? Are you sure?"   
  
"Eh.. no. I'm not. But he asked Remus if he and Minerva copulate a lot, and then Remus pushed him in the lake. So, your guess is as good as mine. Actually, considering you're probably somewhat prescient, your guess is probably a lot better." She shrugged, "Anyway, can I please say that you're really, REALLY cool?"   
  
"Er..Right..." Dumbledore muttered, and he grabbed Hannah's arm and began to walk with her back towards the grounds, where they passed Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, who were holding some first year Gryffindor up by his ankles, and laughing cruelly. Dumbledore hadn't even noticed.   
  
"Hey! Professor Dumbledore, sir.. I'm sure Snape's fine.. if he's forty one and he can't swim, that's pretty sad.."   
  
"I see." Dumbledore responded, just as Snape came up, fuming.   
  
"Oh, I'll get that Remus Lupin! I mean, all I did was ask if he and Minerva were-"   
  
Dumbledore glared at him, "That's quite enough, Severus. Speaking of which, have you seen Remus or Minerva? Or Harry, Ron, or Hermione?"   
  
"They're all-" Snape pointed, "Back there! Muttering about how the weird girl got loose. Oh. There she is." Snape went back to fuming, "Damn Remus, wetting my only robes!" And Snape walked off. Hannah wrenched her arm free of Dumbledore's grasp and ran in the other direction. She'd had enough of being called weird and stupid.   
  
"Hannah, please come back!" Dumbledore cried desperately. Hannah did come back, but her eyes were flashing, and she was holding a Muggle camera.   
  
"I've had enough! I'm going to embarrass you ALL! I'll get enough embarrassing crap on all of you!"   
  
In her other hand she was holding another object. She was holding a big club. "And, so help me, the next person who insults me is going to find themselves VERY unconscious."   
  
Everyone paled as Hannah stormed down the hallway, intent on finding Remus, Harry, Hermione, Minerva, Ron, and embarrassing them all, including Snape.   
  
The first ones she found were Remus and Minerva, making out in the corner. Hannah didn't even bother making her presence known before she started taking pictures with her camera. Minerva and Remus looked up and gasped.   
  
"Oh, damn!" Remus moaned, slapping his hand to his head. "Hannah, you'll be a nice girl and give me the camera, right?"   
  
Hannah shook her head angrily, "I may be a bit... er.. crazy sometimes, but I liked you! I was a fan! Until you went off with your "lets all hate Hannah" club.. well, guess what! As cute as you two are, and as much as I adore you together, nothing would make me happier than to photocopy these pictures and post them all around the school so that all the students know why you REALLY come to Hogwarts on the weekends   
  
They both groaned, and Hannah skipped happily out of the room. Dumbledore coughed discreetly, and murmured, "Minerva...I believe the top three buttons on your robe have come...er...undone."   
  
Hannah, satisfied with the utter humiliation she was going to cause Remus and Minerva, moved on to see whom else she could embarrass. The next person she came across was Juno, who was looking glum. When Hannah asked what was wrong, Juno replied, "Hermione hates me now! I mean, all I did was try out a few hexes on her..."   
  
Hannah grinned as she asked, "Oh, yeah? Like what?"   
  
"Umm...Jelly Legs, Stunning, Body Bind...basically any kind of hurtful charm I could remember"   
  
"Why did you try it on Hermione? Have you got something against her?" Hannah was still grinning.   
  
"Actually, I did it to shut her up! I swear, if I had to listen to another comment about something she'd 'read', I was going to SCREAM! So, what have you been doing?" Juno continued.   
  
"Eh.. I met Dumbledore.. then I grabbed a camera and took come pictures of Minerva and Remus." Hannah replied, as she held up her camera.   
  
"OOO! PICTURES! Can I see them?" Juno asked, jumping up and down, a grin tugging at her face, which grew as Hannah showed her the picture. "MWHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"   
  
They grinned evilly and walked together, looking for something else embarrassing to photograph while still cackling insanely over the pictures of Remus and Minera. Suddenly, a low moan was heard from a closet. Grinning evilly, Juno and Hannah opened the closet, and who should fall out but Malfoy and Ginny Weasley! Cackling horribly, Juno snapped the pictures this time, and they continued on their way...   
  
"Wow," Hannah muttered, "I never would have guessed that.."   
  
They continued on their way, and went about five minutes without seeing anything photo-worthy.   
  
Ron was sitting in a corner, playing with...Barbies? Juno and Hannah began to laugh, when suddenly Hannah questioned, "Hey, where's Minerva and Remus? Or Malfoy and Ginny? Or Dumbledore?"   
  
Ron looked up, shocked, and quickly hid the Barbies away before Hannah and Juno could do anymore damage with their cameras. "Eh.. Everyone's over there. Seems Snape's gone bald!" Hannah looked over suspiciously at Juno.   
  
"What? What? I didn't do it...no, um, no!" Juno said, shaking her head a little too fast.   
  
"SOMEONE'S GOING TO PAY!!!" Snape roared   
  
Hannah was about to chastise Juno when she looked up at Snape. She couldn't help but laugh. If Snape looked bad with a head full of greasy black hair, he looked ten times worse without it. While his skin was unusually pale, his scalp was even paler, and it looked like he was wearing a very white, skin tight hat. Everyone else was laughing at him, some close by, some from a distance. Including Dumbledore.   
  
"N-now...now!" Dumbledore chuckled. "Settle down, settle down!" Snape growled lowly and jumped up, suddenly attacking Ron at random   
  
Ron choked out, "Get off me!" before Minerva sprang to her feet, and out of Remus' arms, to pull Snape away.   
  
"LET ME AT HIM! LET ME AT HIM!" Snape roared, trying to escape from Minerva's grasp and lunge at Snape. Then, something completely unexpected happened...   
  
Hannah began to float! Soon, she was hovering a few feet above everyone's head. "Get me down! Gah!" She squealed.   
  
Juno grabbed at Hannah's foot, and began to float herself. "What's happening?" she cried. They turned to see Hermione grinning evilly and holding a wand...   
  
Hannah seemed to realize a moment later that being able to fly probably wasn't a terrible thing. She kicked herself free of Juno's grasp and began to move her arms and legs, as if in a pool, and was soon able to navigate herself through the air.   
  
Juno closed her eyes, afraid to fall, then realized she was floating too! She began to float through the air, too...   
  
Soon, everyone was floating. It became apparent that Hermione's spell wasn't causing this. Behind them was Little Colin Creevy, cackling horribly. "I'M GOING TO TAKE OVER HOGWARTS NOW! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"   
  
"WOOO!" Hannah smiled, and couldn't help but make a Peter Pan reference, "Everyone, keep thinking happy thoughts or you won't be able to fly!" Everyone ignored Colin, who eventually went away.   
  
Suddenly, there was a loud bang, and everyone fell to the ground. "OOOWWW!" Hannah and Juno wailed.   
  
Everyone looked around nervously to see who was causing all of this. Suddenly, they knew, a cloaked figure stood at the edge of the lake, eying the group. Suddenly, he raised his wand, pointed it at Snape, and said "Stupefy!"   
  
Everyone started to cheer when Snape fell, unconscious. The robed figure took off his hood and was revealed to be Sirius. He grinned down at the unconscious Snape, and then noticed Hannah and Juno. "Hey, who are you two?"   
  
Hannah grinned, "I'm Hannah! And you're cool!"   
  
"I'm Juno, and yes, you are the coolest...although Remus beats you at that, sorry!" Juno sang. Sirius just then noticed Remus, and asked him, "You're here again for McGonagall, then?"   
Remus didn't even bother denying it, but changed the subject. "Sirius, what are you doing here?" "Well, there's a simple explanation to that, which is that Dumbledore said that he wanted me near Hogwarts in case Voldemort or his pack of wild monkeys tried to attack!"   
  
Dumbledore nodded and smiled, "You never know when a pack of wild monkeys will attack the school. We could always use some protection."   
  
"That's a good point!" Harry cried. Suddenly, who should appear from the shadows but Snape-Britney! They had totally forgotten about her, and she had spent that time reassembling herself after she spontaneously combusted. Now, she was back in her lovely corset and heels, in the lovely Snape body. When she saw everyone before her, she began to sing! Sirius passed out, along with Dumbledore. Minerva's mouth was agape as her eyes traveled between Snape and Snape-Britney.   
  
Hannah smiled at Minerva, "It's Britney Spears," She said, as if it explained everything.   
  
Which it didn't. Minerva started to question who Britney Spears was, when Snape-Britney began to sing "I'm a Slave 4 U". Minerva promptly fainted.   
  
Hannah and Juno, who were used to Britney's singing, were the only ones still standing. Hannah ran over to Britney and promptly kick her in the stomach, stopping the singing.   
  
"Owwies!" Snape-Britney cried. Remus, Hermione, Harry, and Ron, the only ones who hadn't fainted besides Juno and Hannah, got off their hands and knees and uncovered their ears. "That was torture..." Remus muttered.   
  
Harry nodded, "We need to get rid of Snape-Britney, any suggestions?" Ron had a suggestion! And a damned good one, too!   
  
"CRUCIO!" Ron bellowed. "Ron, that's illegal to use on another human being!" Hermione squealed. "Since when is Snape-Britney human?" Ron asked, watching as Snape-Britney withered on the ground in pain.   
  
Suddenly, Snape-Britney rose above them all, suspended by what seemed to be an invisible rope around its waist. It was then revealed that it was not Britney Spears, or even Snape! It was Hermione's evil twin sister! Her name was Mary...Mary Sue, that is. She cackled evilly and tossed her long blonde hair. "Now, you'll pay for taking my name in vain!"   
  
But then, Mary Sue took off her mask, and it was really Voldemort, in a pink ballet dress! Everyone gasped to themselves at the frightening image before them. "Oh, my God!" Hermione screamed! "AHHHHH!!!" cried Snape. And Remus caught Minerva, who had fainted.   
  
"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Bellowed Voldemort. "I have returned and my wrath will be felt! MWAHAHA!" He pointed his wand at Harry and yelled "Imperio!"   
  
Suddenly, Harry felt the urge to...DANCE! Harry was doing the tango with Hermione, and break dancing wildly on the floor. Voldemort cackled evilly and grabbed Harry around the waist. Together, they did several waltzes.   
  
It soon became apparent that Hannah did not want her new love to be gay with Voldemort! So Hannah kicked Voldemort in the leg, causing him to scream like a girl and run off. But now everyone was dancing!   
  
Hannah and Harry started dancing as if to a slow song. Hermione and Ron were booty dancing together, and Juno was dancing with, everyone gasped, Snape! She shrugged, "It was either him or Remus, and he's sticking to Minerva like feathers on glue." Everyone glanced towards Remus and Minerva who were dancing very close together.   
  
"Oh, please," Harry muttered. Juno suddenly let out a cry, "DUCK!" Everyone ducked, but Juno rolled her eyes. "No, look, it's a DUCK!" She pointed to the lake, where a piece of driftwood was floating. "Should we drown her?" Harry muttered to Hermione.   
  
Suddenly, Hannah kicked Snape in the stomach. Snape, still bald and pretty silly looking, fell over and looked up at her. "What was that for?" He gasped. Hannah smiled smugly at him and said, "That's for being half-chicken!" Everyone gasped at this amazing revelation. "Is it true?" Harry demanded. Everyone was staring at Snape except for Remus and Minerva who were still dancing.   
  
Hannah looked around and said, "Okay. So he's not REALLY half chicken.. But he did beat the crap out of me with Hermione," And with that she walked over to Hermione and kicked her in the stomach too.   
  
"Ouch! You can't do this! I'm Mary Sue!" Hermione squealed. Suddenly, who should come out of the shadows but Hannah! Everyone gasped and looked at the Hannah next to them. Then they looked at the Hannah who had appeared from the shadows.   
  
Both looked at each other, and said at the same time, "Wow, this reminds me of the time Xander got turned into two people by Toth.. or of Buffy bot.." Everyone gaped at both of them.   
  
"Bloody hell, there are two Hannahs!" Hermione squealed. The newer Hannah cackled. "That's true, Hermione. And there are two Junos, too!" A clone of Juno stepped from the shadows.   
  
Everyone gaped at the Hannahs and the Junos who were, in turn, gaping at each other. Suddenly one of the Hannahs brightened, "Hey, I've always wanted a twin sister!"   
  
One of the Junos grinned, too, but the other Hannah and Juno glared at them.   
  
"Don't you understand? We're your EVIL COUNTERPARTS!"   
  
"But...but...we ARE evil!" Juno complained.   
  
"Damn," the newest Hannah complained, and with a pop, one of the Junos and Hannahs disappeared.   
  
Hannah looked around at everyone, "So...." She said, "That was interesting," Suddenly, there was a loud explosion from next to them when the dynamite that Snape had been hiding under his robes exploded. Snape grinned.   
  
"YOU'LL PAY!" he shouted. "ALL OF YOU! Granger, Potter, Weasley, Hannah, and Juno for being bratty teenagers; Lupin for pushing me in the lake; and Minerva...well, for being Minerva! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he set off another explosion.   
  
Everyone looked at him. "I find it hard to be intimidated when you're bald and wearing pink bunny slippers," Remus said. Everyone looked down at Snape's feet. He was, in fact, wearing pink bunny slippers.   
  
"NO!" Snape cried, and set off the greatest and last bomb.   
  
Everyone went flying, pain racking their bodies...except for Juno and Hannah because they were self-insertions, and therefore could not be injured!   
  
So Hannah threw Juno Remus' wand, and Juno healed each one of them quickly and efficiently. Snape was no more. Where he had stood now lay a pair of pink bunny slippers, slowly turning black, on fire.   
  
Minerva threw some lake water on the slippers, causing the flame to go out. It seemed as though everything was fine again, when who should appear but Rita Skeeter! Dear god, that was worse than Snape!   
  
As Rita Skeeter walked out to meet them, everyone but Remus, Minerva, Hermione, Ron, Harry, Hannah, and Juno disappeared with a small pop. The rest looked towards her nervously.   
  
Rita gave a large grin. "Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Her eyes wandered from Ron and Hermione, who were eying her with anger, to Remus, with his arm around Minerva, to Hannah and Juno, then to the pile of charred pink slippers.   
  
Hannah, who didn't notice the heated meeting between Rita and Hermione, was bored. She walked over to the lake and took off her shoes. She started walking through the shallow water. She heard a loud noise and looked back to where everyone else was standing, to see Rita on the floor and Hermione with her fist in the air, looking pleased.   
"Damn you, you pathetic girl!" Rita squealed. Then she narrowed her eyes. "Don't worry, this will get around. Two un-registered children wandering Hogwarts? A girl taking to physical abuse? Two professors fraternizing? CHARRED PINK BUNNY SLIPPERS? How scandalous!"   
  
Suddenly, Rita turned into the Wicked Witch of the West, and began to fly through the air, until she realized she had no broom. Rita fell to the ground with a thud, and stood up again, rubbing her behind.   
  
She pointed at them, "YOU will be the article that lands me back on my feet as a reporter! You! And YOU!" She pointed at Juno. Suddenly, there was a splash. Hannah, now in a lovely floral bathing suit, was swimming in the lake!   
  
"Hannah, come back right now!" Juno demanded. Hannah stuck her tongue out at Juno. "You're no fun!" she complained. Juno shook her head, "Didn't you hear of the monsters that live in the lake?"   
  
Hannah nodded, "Yeah! But I come from Miami. We're used to deadly scary things in our water." Then she swam under the water. And didn't come back up.   
  
"Augh, she's drowning!" Juno screamed. "Do something, Remus!" Then she pushed Remus into the lake. Grumbling, Remus swam towards where Hannah had gone under.   
  
A moment later, Remus came out of the water, pulling Hannah with him. Hannah opened her eyes..."OH MY GOD! REMUS IN WET ROBES! REMUS IN WET ROBES!" she screeched, clinging to Remus. Remus tried to put her down when they reached land, but Hannah held fast. "REMUS IN WET ROBES SAVED ME! HE'S SOOOO HOT!!!"   
  
Remus squirmed away from her and back to Minerva. Harry jumped into the lake and climbed back out again. "Look! It's HARRY in wet robes!" He grinned and Hannah looked away, unimpressed.   
  
"Harry, listen...I like you and all, but you need some muscle. Like REMUS..." she sighed. As an afterthought, Hannah added, "...Or like Spike.. Or Angel.. or Patrick Stewart.. Or Cary Elwes." She sighed dreamily.   
  
Everyone looked at her blankly. "Right..." Ron said blankly. Harry looked as though he was about to cry. "H-Hannah likes Professor Lupin more than me! And-and he's old!"   
  
Hannah sighed, "I'm sorry, Harry. You're the cutest fifteen year old I know. I don't like Lupin *better* than you.. Just.. he's so cool!" She grinned, "And nice.. and add it all up and you get much sexiness."   
  
Suddenly, Juno got a wonderful idea! Juno got a wonderful, horrible idea! She took Hannah aside, and said, "I know how to make a potion that will make our little Harry Potter friends say whatever they happen to be thinking..." she blinked, and a vial appeared in each of their hands.   
  
"Wow, how'd you do that?" Hannah asked curiously.   
  
"Easy. We're self-insertion."   
  
Hannah grinned evilly, "How do we get this to them without them noticing?"   
  
Juno smiled back, "Oh, that's easy..."   
  
She blinked again, and cans of Pepsi appeared on the ground. "Anyone thirsty?" Harry, Hermione, Ron, Minerva, and Remus nodded eagerly. Juno and Hannah poured the liquid into each of the cups, and drank some themselves.   
  
Suddenly Hannah gasped. "Juno...I think I put some in our glasses, too!"   
  
"Remus, you won't take it the wrong way if I kick your ass, right?" Harry said, and then he covered his mouth with his hand. "What...?" "Oh, please, Harry, like you could!" Remus scoffed. Then Hannah said, "I wonder if Remus is... equipped.." and covered her mouth. "Oops."   
  
They all gaped at her, then Juno announced, "Hannah, you are the biggest pervert! And come on, we KNOW Remus is equipped!" She covered her mouth, too. "Uh oh..."   
  
Remus loudly announced, "I AM equipped!" and Minerva nodded fiercely.   
  
"HA! So you HAVE been getting it on!" Ron cackled, pointing at the reddening Remus and Minerva. "Obviously," Minerva muttered, then her eyes grew wide. "What's going on? I mean...I just THOUGHT that!"   
  
Hermione rolled her eyes, "I can't believe what morons my teachers are..." Her eyes widened. "I didn't just say that!"   
  
"Yes you did!" Remus replied, crossing his arms over his wet robes.   
  
"Remus in wet robes...gah..." Hannah drooled.   
  
"And we are not morons, we just do things we're not supposed to do! Like before we blew him up, Snape was a cross-dresser!" Remus clapped a hand to his forehead. "Oops."   
  
Juno sighed, "Man, getting your period sucks.. The cramps never end.."   
  
Hannah looked at Remus, "Have you ever had sex while you were wolfed-out?"   
  
Ummm...no." He said, eyeing her. "That's just wrong."   
  
Ron, grinning, pointed first to Minerva and then to Remus. "Have you two recently made love?" he asked. "Yes," they both blurted out, then covered their mouths with their hands.   
  
Hannah shrugged, "I read it in a fanfic once.. I couldn't even FINISH it, it was so disturbing.. and I'm a friggin pervert!"   
  
Hannah grinned to herself, "Hey, Remus, Minerva.. When was the last time you had sex?"   
  
"Two days ago," Remus blurted out, his voice muffled from his hand. Then he grinned, lowering his hand. "Hermione, who would you most want to have sex with?"   
  
"Malfoy," Hermione sighed, and then gasped. "AH! Stop it!" She blushed.   
  
"Hey, Harry, what's the best body part on Hannah?" Juno asked, grinning.   
  
"Her butt definitely!"   
  
"Hell yeah!" Ron grinned.   
  
Suddenly, someone appeared to ruin everyone's fun. They undid the curse of truth, and yet things did not become normal...because this person was none other than Peter Pettigrew. He told them all, in short and complete sentences that they were to embark upon a very mystical and important journey.   
  
"Why should we follow YOU?" Harry retorted. Peter told them, in short and complete sentences, that they were basically all screwed if they didn't.   
  
And with that, Peter disappeared, leaving in his place a glowing golden map.   
  
Ron picked up the map. "It says that we have to retrieve a stone far, far away. It has the power to defeat evil if we learn to use it right." Ron said.   
  
"Wow, Ron, did you read about that?" Hermione asked, impressed.   
  
"I did, 'Mione. It says that right here on the map, exactly!" They all groaned, but set off for the journey of a lifetime   
  
It occurred to them moments later that they had simply been walking around in circles around the Hogwarts grounds. They realized this when they were once again in front of the lake. "Give me this!" Hermione sighed, and took the map from Ron's hands. He'd been leading them around until then.   
  
"That was a mistake," Juno muttered, and the rest nodded in agreement.   
  
Hermione paled. "We...we have to go through the Forbidden Forest," she murmured   
  
Hannah grinned, "Really? All right! Something scary and potentially dangerous that would normally have a completely unimportant character like me killed!"   
  
Everyone blinked in surprise at this...well...strange quote.   
  
"Hey, she's got a point. It's not like they're going to kill you three!" Juno cheerfully told Ron, Hermione, and Harry. "Nope, it's me and Hannah and Minerva and Remus...you know what, Minerva and Remus probably aren't going to croak, either...well, at least not REMUS, cause he's going to be important later on!" Juno finished, nodding cheerfully.   
  
"...I am?" Remus asked.   
  
"Yep! You're supposed to be way important in the fifth--er.. Never mind." Hannah said. "We'd better get going.. It's best to travel while it's light, no?"   
  
As though Hannah's words had doomed them all, the area around them became pitch black, with only the stars to guide them. There wasn't even a moon that night.   
  
"Oh no, I'm not doing it!" Minerva snapped. "Not if I have the potential to be killed because I'm not 'important' enough!"   
  
"Oh, don't worry, Minerva," Hannah said soothingly, "You're well-loved, and you're a key disciplinary figure.. One of the ONLY ones, as a matter of fact.. They wouldn't kill you. Juno and I both love you! You have nothing to worry about."   
  
"Right," Minerva continued, raising her eyebrow. But she agreed to go into the Forest. Things went wrong from the beginning when a creature came out from the shadows, grabbing Juno, and running off, leaving the others to run after them.   
  
Finally, nearly thirty minutes later, Harry and Ron found Juno, lying, unconscious, in a pile of manure. No doubt the same weird creature's who'd carried her off.   
  
So they made Juno come to, and the first thing she did after complaining, was hurl crap at the other people of the group. So, all covered in crap, they proceeded on...   
  
Suddenly, Minerva realized that everyone was covered in crap. So, she took out her wand and did a very nice cleaning spell that left everyone feeling spotless. And they continued through the forbidden forest.   
  
They came to a peaceful clearing, covered in flowers. The stars shone brightly down at them, and the air was fresh-scented. But all was not right, because the poppies in the field began to put our heroes and heroines to sleep!   
  
Hannah smiled sleepily, "This reminds me of the Wizard of--"   
  
"Shh!" Juno whispered, "You may be infringing on copyright laws. You don't want to get us all arrested now, do you? Go to sleep!"   
  
"No...Don't!" Hermione yelled, falling to her knees sleepily. "We...have...to...keep...going!"   
  
Thankfully, it was a cold winter night. The sleepiness that the poppies invoked was nothing compared to the stinging cold that everyone was feeling in their fingers, toes, and cheeks. Nobody could fall asleep.   
  
"Ugh..." Juno muttered, but she dragged herself to her feet.   
  
"Let us go on, then! CHARGE!" Ron screamed, promptly running into a tree. Remus said "Ron.. Perhaps you should just.. Follow.. Let someone else lead.." Ron nodded, after all, he knew what an idiot he was.   
  
So REMUS took the map, and held it close to his face. "This is strange..." he muttered. Ron turned red, and turned the map right side up. "Oops..." Ron muttered. So they set off, when they came to a cliff!   
  
"It's a cliff." Hannah noted.   
  
"What are we supposed to do," Hermione asked, "Jump off?"   
  
Remus shrugged. "It's the only direct path to our destination."   
  
So they all jumped, closing their eyes as they fell to...well, uncertain doom. They all landed in a river, which they were easily able to swim across, except for Harry. Hannah swam back in and pulled him out of the cool, deep water. She let him rest on the shore and raised an eyebrow once he looked up at everyone. "What?" he asked, "The Dursleys never taught me to swim!"   
  
"NEVER?" Minerva asked, raising an eyebrow as well.   
  
"N...no! I'M ABUSED THERE! DON'T YOU GET IT????" Harry demanded angrily. "WHY DID DUMBLEDORE LEAVE ME THERE???" Everyone shrugged.   
  
Suddenly, Remus felt the sudden urge to say something. "You know-" He was suddenly interrupted by Hermione's loud announcement. "My butt itches!"   
  
Everyone stared at Hermione. "What? IT DOES!" She cried, stamping her foot.   
  
"Do you want me to scratch it?" Ron asked, tilting his head to the side.   
  
"NOOOO!" everyone shouted at once.   
  
They then set off, until they arrived at a cave. "According to this map, the stone should be right inside here..." Remus muttered.   
  
But when they went in, Peter was there, and he tied them to a stone! He then told them what he planned to do with each of them...   
  
"Harry," Peter smiled, "I'm going to let you watch each of your friends die. By then, you'll probably find some amazing way to escape me. That's just a risk I'm willing to take." He looked over at everyone. "Hermione.. Your stupid cat tried to kill me.. So, I'm going to feed you to a great, big cat. Ron, you were crappy master! So.. I'm going to feed you rat food for twelve years. Remus.. I'm going to kick you in the groin. Minerva.. I'm going to leave you there, because I'm scared of you. And.. You two girls.. I'll kill you, just because SOMEONE has to die."   
  
"See! I knew that I should have been nasty to that boy!" Minerva exclaimed.   
  
"Why are you doing this, Peter?" Remus demanded. Peter turned red. "If you must know, Remus, I've always had the hugest crush on Sirius, but NOOOO, you have to get him in the end!"   
  
Hannah screamed, "YOU BASTARD!" And everyone looked at her. The walls of the cave had echoed her shout, and she felt silly sitting there as mysterious echoes kept repeating what she had said. "...Well, it's true!" She sighed.   
  
"ANYWAYS..." Peter continued. "It's not fair! Why should you get to date the one man I've ever loved?"   
  
Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm not gay, Peter."   
  
"Yeah, right!" Peter snorted.   
  
"I'm not! Seriously!" Remus shot back.   
  
"ARE TOO!"   
  
"ARE NOT!"   
  
"ARE TOO!"   
  
"ARE NOT!"   
  
"ARE TOO!"   
  
Finally, Minerva broke it. "He's NOT gay!" she snapped.   
  
Peter glared at her. "And how would YOU know that?"   
  
Ron grinned, "They've been having relations! They're together! They have sex! They make looooooo--"   
  
"Ron, please!" Remus snapped.   
  
Both Remus and Minerva were turning red. Peter looked at them blankly before bursting into hysterical laughter. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he wheezed, throwing himself down on his traitorous ass. The victims eyed him, confused. "THAT'S A FUNNY STORY!" Peter said. Then he yawned. "And after stories, it's time for beddy-byes!"   
  
Hannah snorted. "Beddy-byes? How old are we, eight?" She started to laugh. "Stop it! Stop it you stupid girl! I was *trying* to sound intimidating!" "Hah! Intimidating? You? You're, like, three feet tall!"   
  
"It's true, you know...you really don't frighten any of us..." Remus told him flatly.   
  
"Oh no, it's the Dark Lord!" Juno cried. Peter ran off screaming.   
  
"Diversion," Juno muttered, fiddling with the ropes binding her to the stone   
  
Hannah started to giggle. "See, Remus? Us fans aren't the only ones who thought you were gay!"   
  
Remus groaned, rolling his eyes. By this time, Juno had undone her rope, and Hannah's. "Should we leave any of them here?" Juno asked Hannah with an evil grin   
AngelsGirl19: "Er. You decide. They already hate me enough already." And Juno did decide! She decided to leave Hermione tied to the rock!   
  
"You revolt me with your perfection." Juno told her seriously. "Also, I have to leave SOMEONE behind. And Ron's too fun to tease, Hannah would freak if I left Harry, and we just LOVE Remus and Minerva together..." she grinned.   
  
Hannah grinned. "Harry's cool. And Hermione is my least favorite person here, too. I officially agree with Juno's choice. Bye, Hermy!" Everyone but Hermione made their way back to the Hogwarts castle. "...Well. That was pointless." Remus pointed out,   
  
Just then, who should appear on a broomstick, cackling, but Rita Skeeter! "I told you I'd be back!" she yelled, her eyes flashing. An edition of the Daily Prophet floated down towards them. "Uh oh..." Hannah muttered   
  
Everyone craned their necks to see what as on the Daily Prophet. Everyone else gaped at it, too. On the front page, three article blazing Minerva, Remus, Hermione, Hannah, and Juno's names on the headlines seemed to draw dread into all of them. The articles said...   
  
"Apparently, security at Hogwarts is not quite what it should be, writes Rita Skeeter, Recently, two muggle girls simply appeared on the grounds of the school. Worst of all, these girls, known only as Hannah and Juno, knew all about the wizarding world! As you can see..." They stopped reading and looked up again at Rita Skeeter. "YOU COW!" Ron yelled. She cackled evilly.   
  
"...That is not all that has been going on around Hogwarts, though. A young girl, named Hermione, has been taking out her temper in physical violence, and attempted to severely injure myself included. No doubt Dumbledore will want to look into Miss Granger's instability, along with the torrid love affair I have found to be going between Professor Minerva McGonagall and Professor Remus Lupin..."   
  
Rita cackled evilly again. "RUINED! YOU SHALL ALL BE RUINED!" she shrieked.   
  
"Fifth year student at Hogwarts, Ronald Weasley, has said this about the pair, "They make looooooo" (Remus and Minerva glared at Ron,) "ooooveeee." As you can see, these two Professors are a terrible influence on both the children at Hogwarts, and each other. "   
  
"WHAT?" Remus and Minerva demanded. "How are we a bad influence on the students? I mean, before THIS..." Minerva trailed off, turning flashing eyes at Ron again. "And how are we a bad influence on each OTHER?" Remus exclaimed.   
  
Rita answered for them, though, "You're not! I'm a big liar! MWAHAHAHHAHA!" And with that, she disappeared leaving them to gawk at the stunning and insulting articles before them.   
  
"WHAT? RONALD WEASLEY PLAYS WITH BARBIE DOLLS???" Ron demanded.   
  
Just then, Dennis Creevey hurried across the lawn, a copy of the Daily Prophet in hand...   
AngelsGirl19: Hannah sniggered. "I wanted to get some embarrassing stuff on you all.. Looks like Rita the Cow did it for me." She received glares from the majority of the group. "What do you think about this, Harry? You've been quiet for a LONG time.."   
  
Harry smiled and said, "Will you marry me, Hannah?" Hannah gaped at him, in shock, before replying,"Sure, why not? Can you wait till we're old enough, though? And maybe buy a ring?"   
  
Dennis, who had reached them all, cleared his throat and began to speak at the same time as Harry. "Hey, is it true that Professor McGonagall and Professor Lupin are having a torrid love affair?" he asked cheerfully. "And about Hermione being nuts?"   
  
Finally, Remus said, "The first part is true, at least. But I'm going to end 'the torrid love affair'. Right now." Minerva looked horrified, and started to speak, but Remus cut her off. "Minerva, will you marry me?"   
  
Hannah gaped at them and finally grinned broadly, "All right! Good for you!" Meanwhile, Harry cleared his throat. "Did you hear what I just said Hannah?" "Er. If there are no further questions, then yes."   
  
So Ron shrugged, turned to Juno, and asked, "Juno, will you marry me so I don't feel left out?" Juno squealed and squeezed the air out of Ron. "OKAY!"   
  
"Minerva?" Remus asked, waving a hand in front of her face. Minerva was staring into space, a shocked expression on her face.   
  
Hannah squealed with delight "Remus and Minerva are getting married! Yaaayyyy! Ron and Juno are getting married. Eventually. YAY!! Harry and. I are getting married! Yaaayyyy!" Minerva kept staring into outer space.   
  
"Actually...she didn't say yes yet," Harry pointed out. He went over and poked Minerva hard in the side. "OW! Potter! Oh...umm...what were we saying, Remus?" Remus blinked, and repeated, slowly, "Minerva...will you marry me?"   
  
"YES!" she blurted out. Remus grinned, and the two of them kissed.   
  
Dennis cursed, "Damn, I lost the dirt I had on you two!"   
  
Hannah squealed again and kissed Harry, having no other way to vent her delight. Ron shrugged, and following Hannah's lead, kissed Juno. Dennis looked around for someone to kiss. Luckily for him, Ginny Weasley walked by, and Dennis got a kiss, too!   
  
Ginny just blushed and giggled, as always, while her brother pounded poor Dennis. Hannah turned around to see what was happening, but Remus and Minerva just kept kissing.   
  
"YOU LOSER! I'LL KILL YOU!" Ron screamed. Ginny batted her eyelashes at Harry, and Hannah starting yelling at little Miss Weasley. Juno was cheering Ron on, and complaining about the lack of popcorn, and....well...Remus and Minerva were still going strong.   
  
Hannah defensively put her arm around Harry's waist and he grinned, draping his arm around her shoulder. Juno continued to stare fixedly at Ron who now had poor Dennis on the floor. No one seemed to mind that Ron was punching him repeatedly in the gut. Ginny was still eyeballing Harry.   
  
Suddenly, Ginny turned into Pansy Parkinsin! Hannah was actually pleased about this, it gave her the excuse to go beat the crap out of her. The two girls began fighting just as Ron decided to let poor Dennis go. He walked over to Juno, grabbed her hand, and grinned at Hannah and Pansy. It was obvious that Hannah has the upperhand in this fight. Suddenly, Juno muttered, "Uh oh...", and pointed. Cornilious Fudge was marching across the lawn, and he had fire in his eyes. Juno looked around. Minerva and Remus were STILL kissing...Hannah and Pansy were STILL fighting, Ron was holding her hand, and Harry was cheering Hannah on. This spelled trouble.   
  
Juno was one of the only ones who noticed Fudge's arrival. Nobody paid him any mind, and they continued cheering as Hannah punched Pansy in the face again and again.   
  
Suddenly, Fudge roared, "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS???". He held up a copy of the Daily Prophet, waving it in their faces. Minerva and Remus had pulled apart, and were gaping wordlessly at Fudge. Ron had dropped Juno's hand, and Hannah, Harry, and Pansy had stopped fighting and watching.   
  
Finally, Hannah said, "WOW! You're Fudge, aren't you?!" Fudge just gaped at her.   
  
"Y-yes, I am! And who might you be?" he demanded. His eyes narrowed at Hannah began to tell him how they had...appeared there. Then Juno said, "GUESS WHAT? I'm marrying Ron!" Then she squeezed Ron. Fudge just blinked at her.   
  
Hannah grinned, "And I'm marrying Harry! And-- REMUS AND MINERVA ARE GETTING MARRIED! WOOO!" Fudge stared at them blankly and looked over at Remus, "Is this true?" Remus nodded.   
  
"Well...then...um..." Fudge coughed. "I don't know if I can allow that. Any of those marriages to take place, you see."   
  
"Do you really think you're going to stop them?" Juno asked.   
  
"Remus and Minerva ARE getting married." Hannah glared.   
  
Fudge looked at Juno and then at Hannah and finally burst out with, "B-b-but, no! It's a rule that professors cannot inter-marry!" he snapped.   
  
"Says who?" Juno asked, faking innocence.   
  
"S-says...says I! And I'm the Minister of Magic!"   
  
"I think he's jealous that no one would put up with him," Hannah whispered to Harry   
  
Harry nodded and turned to Fudge, "Anyway, Lupin's not even working at Hogwarts anymore. So they can get married."   
  
Hannah and Juno nodded their agreement.   
  
"B-But.. they can't! Cause I say so! So there!"   
  
Fudge then did something very childish-he stuck his tongue out at Remus, Minerva, Juno, and Hannah. For a moment, there was silence. Then Remus spoke up.   
  
"Cornelius…er. Mr. Fudge, please.. Put that back in your mouth.. With all due respect, and to your knowledge, I'm sure, the Minister of Magic cannot interfere with marriages. It's not your place."   
  
"YES IT IS!" he stomped his foot angrily. "If you two get married, I'll make sure that Minerva is fired, and that neither of you finds a job again!" He began to cackle, and ran around in circles. "HAHAHAH! I WIN!"   
  
Hannah raised an eyebrow, "Dumbledore doesn't give a damn what you say, and we both know it. And Minerva is a highly acclaimed professor... she could get a job anywhere she wants." Ron nodded, "And she's a damn good teacher with a great reputation, too!"   
  
"Well...um..." Finally, Fudge couldn't think of anything to say, so he just stuck his tongue out at them again, storming off.   
  
Harry smiled, "We can all get married now! Or.. er.. later!" Everyone grinned and walked towards the castle. Where a dragon confronted them, with Fudge riding on the top! He cackled. "Well, none of you can get married if you're all DEAD, can you?"   
  
Everyone looked up at Fudge on the dragon. Suddenly, they heard a loud yell from behind Fudge. "Hey! GIVE THAT BACK! It's MINE!" Everyone craned their necks to see who was yelling. It was none other than Trelawney!   
  
Fudge glared at her, but suddenly smiled. "You can join me in my campaign to destroy them!" Trelawney gave a gasp. "There can be NO HAPPINESS!" she cried, and Fudge helped her onto the dragon.   
  
Juno yelled up to them, "HEY! WAIT! Fudge, you're only pissed cause you have no one to marry, right?" Fudge nodded. "Well, why don't you marry Trelawney?"   
  
The two blinked at each other, then Fudge exclaimed, "Sibyll, darling, will you marry me?" "Oh, yes, my love!" she cried back.   
  
So Fudge started to take off on the dragon. Minerva cupped her hands around her mouth. "DOES THIS MEAN REMUS AND I CAN GET MARRIED???" she called.   
  
"Sure, whatever..." was the response.   
  
Minerva grinned. "Sibyll and Fudge. They're perfect for each other," she said, nodding.   
  
Hannah started to do her happy dance. When she looked over at Remus, he and Minerva were sucking face again.   
  
"Well, no use even wearing white dress, eh Minerva?" Hannah grinned.   
  
Minerva managed to glare at Hannah before turning back to Remus. "Hey, while the adults are making out, let's go do things that would get us in trouble in ordinary situations!" Juno exclaimed.   
  
They marched into the castle and whispered among themselves, trying to decide what to do. Ron grinned, because he had a great idea.   
  
"Maybe we should go visit Professor Snape...I hear he came back from the dead!" he exclaimed. Everyone groaned. "And then we can give him the wonderful news..." he sniggered. "Lupin's getting married-not to mention laid-and he's probably never going to experience either!"   
  
"Or we could TRIP HIM!" Hannah grinned. Everyone agreed and started their walk.   
  
  
Snape was not in a good mood. In a few days time, he had been told he had a twin sister, teased, tortured by two new teenage girls, become bald, and, oh yeah, he had exploded. Suddenly, his eyes grew wary when he saw those two girls, with Potter and Weasley. And they were all grinning evilly.   
  
A week ago, Snape might have yelled at them or simply stalked off. As he was now, however, he had the urge to hide under his desk and whimper. That wasn't an option. Instead, he decided to pretend to be intimidating and cower on the inside.   
  
"Howdy, Sevvie!" Hannah grinned as Ron tripped him and he fell right on his tailbone.   
  
"OW! MY BUTT!" Snape screamed. Ron sniggered. "Let's get Malfoy. He IS a butt-kisser, after all."   
  
"Oh, guess what, Sevvie?" Juno bubbled. "Remus and Minerva are gettting MARRIED! And so are Hannah and Harry, and I and Ron, oh, and Fudge and Trelawney, but no one cares about those two. But REMUS and MINERVA are getting married!" She squealed with glee and hugged Ron.   
  
Ron happily hugged her back, equal parts humoring her and copping a feel. Hannah grabbed Snape's hand and pulled him up into a standing position.   
  
"Okay," Hannah sighed, "You're going to be our slave now. You're going to do what we tell you and nothing else, ok?"   
  
"WHAT? NO!" Snape screamed. Juno let go of Ron, and kicked Snape in the groin. "OH SHIT!" Snape wailed. "Okay...okay..." he whimpered.   
  
"First of all, you are going to make Remus Lupin fan club buttons/t-shirts/fliers for us!" Juno cackled.   
  
Harry spoke up, "And then you have to give us your teacher's keys!" Everyone else nodded in agreement. "Hey," Hannah stopped. "How DID you get back anyway?"   
  
Snape shrugged. "I saw this white light...and then I saw that sexy Lily Evans saying that-" But he didn't get to finish his sentence, though, because Harry had jumped him and was beating the crap out of him. Suddenly, a surprised voice from the doorway called, "Potter!"   
  
Everyone turned around to see who had spoken. Juno dropped the letter opener she'd been planning to stab Snape with. Ron gaped. Harry paled. "Uh oh.." Hannah whispered.   
  
Sprout was standing there, and her hand was resting on Hermione's shoulder. "Potter, you'd better have some explanation on the state of Miss Granger, not to mention what you're doing to Professor Snape!" Sprout snapped.   
  
Harry's mouth moved for a moment, but no sound came out. "Snape tried to rape her!" Juno cried, pointing a finger at Hannah. "And Hermione was helping him!"   
  
"WHAT?" Sprout and Hermione cried at the same time. Juno hid a grin, and Hannah burst into (pretend) tears. "I-It's true!" she wailed, throwing her arms around Professor Sprout. "T-they were just trying to s-save me!" Hannah let out a fake hiccup.   
  
Sprout, needless to say, was shocked and horrified. She patted Hannah's head. "There, there," she mumbled, before glaring at Snape and Hermione.   
  
  
"Please! They lie! You're going to believe the muggle above me?" Snape cried. Hannah continued to cry and while Hermione let Sprout hear her protests also, they came upon deaf ears.   
  
"You poor thing," Sprout cooed, stroking Hannah's hair like a mother. "Don't worry, we'll fix everything." She pointed her wand at Hermione and Snape, who found themselves tied up. With another wave, they were floating besides her. "We're going to see Professor Dumbledore!" she said.   
  
The group that made their way towards Dumbledore's office was a strange one. A hysterical, sobbing girl being consoled by Professor Sprout, Juno, Ron, and Harry. And two people floating eerily behind them. They entered Dumbledore's office faster than you could say "cockroach cluster."   
  
"Professor Dumbledore, sir," Sprout began. "Severus attempting to...to rape this poor young girl!" She tightened her arm around the 'sobbing' Hannah. "He was helped by Miss Granger here." Dumbledore looked thoughtful, then he opened his mouth and said...   
  
"Please, Professor Sprout, let me have a moment alone with them?" Sprout nodded and left the room. Dumbledore smiled at them and said, "Now, would you care to tell me what REALLY happened, Hannah?" he smiled kindly down at her. "I can tell that those tears aren't truthful."   
  
Hannah sighed, and said, "Peter Pettigrew captured all of us and tied us to the walls of a cave.. and we got free.. and left Hermione in the cave. And then.. Snape's been resurrected, Joss knows how, and we were just telling him that he was to be our slave." "Hannah!" Juno cried. "What?" Hannah asked, "It's no use lying to him!"   
  
Dumbledore grinned at them. "You know, I used to have a personal slave of my own," he said, stroking his beard. "I suppose that you can keep him as a slave...seeing as he's supposed to be dead..." Then he blinked, and said, "Where are the others? Minerva, Sirius, Remus, Fudge, Trelawney...they all were with you last!"   
  
"Well," Harry started, "Lupin and McGonagall are celebrating their engagement with a lot of making out back by the lake.. Trelawney and Fudge left on a flying dragon, they're getting married too, Sirius disappeared a while ago.." Dumbledore looked thoughtful as he said   
PrincessJunoA: "Sirius just disappeared? That can't be a good thing...and of course, I'm very happy for Minerva and Remus...and as for Cornelius and Sibyll, they really are perfect for each other...I suppose..." He stood up, and smiled at them. "Shall we go retrieve our two professors and look for Sirius?"   
  
Hannah grinned, "You know, you're really cool! I wish you were my grandpa!" Juno nodded in agreement and Ron and Harry just looked at them as if they were nutters. They walked out of the castle and came first across Minerva and Remus, still attached at the mouth.   
PrincessJunoA: Dumbledore coughed discreetly, and a blushing Minerva and Remus pulled apart. He smiled at them and said, "I hate to interrupt, professors, but Sirius has disappeared somewhere...and I am entrusting that you will help us to find him." Still blushing furiously, Minerva and Remus nodded.   
  
Hannah grinned, "Know what else, Dumbbllleeedooooorreee?" He raised an eyebrow at her, "Ron and Juno are getting MARRIED!"   
  
Juno squealed, "Oh! Oh! And Harry and Hannah are getting MARRIEEEEED!!" Dumbledore gave both the girls confused smiles, and herded them towards the gate of Hogwarts Castle.   
  
"Where do you reckon Sirius is?" Ron asked. Juno shrugged. "A cave somewhere? Hogsmeade?"   
  
"Umm...probably, knowing Snuffles," Ron muttered. Harry sniggered. They were about to go to Hogsmeade, when who should land in front of them but Sirius in a giant chicken suit.   
  
"Padfoot?!" snickered Remus, "What in God's name made you dress like that?" "Well, Remus, I have a perfectly rational explanation. Everyone knows that the girls dig guys in chicken suits!"   
  
He winked at Remus. "What do you say, Moony? I can get you a chicken suit, too, we can go find some nice chicks and-OW! Damn it, Minerva, I was just kidding, did you have to stomp THAT HARD?"   
  
Hannah snickered. "Yeah, man, us chicks LOVE guys in chicken suits."   
  
Dumbledore smiled at them all, "It seems that we've found Sirius, then.. let us make our way back to the castle."   
  
So Sirius-in-a-chicken-suit began to walk with them, and he made the mistake of asking what had happened since Snape had exploded. Ten minutes later, Sirius sat, bored, as Juno and Hannah continued to tell them all about their travels.   
  
Finally, they stopped talking. "So, that's it, then?" Sirius asked. "No, wait!" Juno smiled, "Ron and I, Hannah and Harry, and REMUS AND MINERVA are engaged!"   
  
Sirius's jaw dropped, and in one motion, he grasped Remus's shoulders and shook him. Hard. "ARE YOU NUTS???" Sirius demanded, ignoring at Remus's head banged into the back of his chair. "YOU'RE WILLINGLY GIVING UP YOUR BACHOLORISM?????"   
  
Remus blinked for a moment and answered, "Yes.. I love Minerva."   
  
Sirius threw his hands up in disgust. "That doesn't mean you have to MARRY her, for God's sakes! I mean, Moony, it's MARRIAGE! Forever! YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HER FOREVER!" He continued to ramble on, and Remus leaned over to Harry. "He did the same thing when James said he was going to marry Lily," he whispered in Harry's ear.   
  
"Promise me, Harry, that you'll never go nuts like him," he jerked his head at Remus, "and marry." Harry fidgeted. "Actually...Ron and I are going to marry Juno and Hannah after we graduate..."   
  
"GAHHH!!" Shouted Sirius, "You must be joking! Women are great for a night or two, but marriage? It's ridiculous!" Hannah, Juno and Minerva all folded their arms at Sirius' comment on women while Dumbledore watched in amusement.   
  
"Umm...I mean...umm...yeah..." Sirius muttered, shrinking back slightly when he saw the angry glares from Minerva, Juno, and Hannah. "Anyway...we should head back to the castle..." "Oh, and Trelawney's marrying Fudge!" Hannah told him brightly. Sirius stared at her for a moment, before throwing himself to the ground. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SOMEONE WANTS TO MARRY TRELAWNEY????? HAHAHAHAHAHA!"   
  
Hannah looked at Juno, "He's not usually this hyper in the book.. Oh! Oh!" She turned back to Sirius, "TURN INTO A DOG RIGHT NOW!"   
  
Sirius blinked, then crossed his arms. "No. I don't feel like it! And you can't make me!"   
  
Hannah walked over to him and stamped on his foot. It was already tender and sore from when Minerva had done the same thing. "CHAAAANNNNGEEEE!!!!" Hannah repeated.   
  
"OUCH! DAMN IT!" Sirius shouted. He transformed into a big black dog, growled at Hannah angrily, then changed back. "There. Happy now?" he demanded. Hannah nodded happily, and the group set back towards the castle.   
  
Hannah and Harry were leading the group back to the castle, with Ron and Juno behind them, Minerva, Remus, and Sirius behind them, and Dumbledore behind. Hannah looked at Harry and grinned, "I don't think Sirius likes me much."   
  
Harry smiled back at her. "I just think he needs to get used to you." Sirius was rambling about how many new 'chicks' he had met while wearing his chicken suit. Remus wasn't listening to him, though, because he was staring at Minerva. She was staring into outer space, doing her best to ignore Sirius' ramblings. Much to everyone's dismay, Sirius kept on babbling.   
  
But he soon shut up, when ANOTHER Minerva McGonagall jumped out in front of them. Minerva grasped Remus's hand, her mouth open in horror, Ron and Juno embraced nervously, and Hannah jumped into Harry's arms.   
  
Everyone looked at the McGonagall standing next to Remus and to their horror, it suddenly turned into its real form-- Lucius Malfoy! Hannah gasped, "Oh, my GOD! REMUS IS ENGAGED TO MALFOY! AHH!"   
  
Juno gaped at the scene before them, "Wait a minute, how long has Malfoy been pretending to be Minerva?" Malfoy cackled, "Three and a half months!" Remus looked horrified, "B-But that's how long I've been visiting you up at the castle-- ARGH!" "And where's the REAL Minerva been?" Minerva decided to answer this one, "In a deep, dark DUNGEON! And not ONE person even noticed my absense?" Dumbledore looked fairly amused with everythng.   
  
Then his face grew horrified. "Wait a minute...then everything about our plans that I've told Minerva...I..." Malfoy cackled. "Yup! Believe me, putting up with Lover-boy here was no easy task, but it was well worth it for all the information I received for Voldemort! MWHAHAHAHAHA!"   
  
Hannah suddenly frowned, "Does this mean you're not getting married?"   
  
Suddenly, Lucius fell on his face. Behind him, was a beaming Neville holding up his wand.   
  
Lucius, from his position on the ground, muttered, "I'd rather die than marry the werewolf. Besides, I'm already married..." Hannah scowled, and kicked at Lucius. "Not you! Remus and Minerva...umm...the real Minerva, that is."   
  
Neville ran over to them all and pointed his want again. He muttered something indistinct and suddenly, Lucius was a big piece of cheesecake. Neville grinned and turned his wand into a fork. Then he dug in. Everyone looked at him oddly, "Okay..." Ron muttered, shaking his head.   
  
"Very scary..." Juno muttered. Minerva, the REAL Minerva, was looking pale and sickly, not to mention incredibly pissed off. For a moment, they all stared at her, until Ron said, "My back feels sort of itchy, anyone got a scratcher?" Only Neville grinned up at him, offering the Lucius-cheesecake covered fork. Ron muttered, "No thank you," And turned back to the group.   
  
"So, Minerva... You don't even know who we are, then?" Hannah asked, pointing to herself and Juno.   
  
Minerva raised an eyebrow. "No...is that a good thing, or a bad thing?" "Good..." Remus muttered. "Very, VERY good..." Then Hannah blinked, and asked Remus, "Remus, how couldn't you notice that your girlfriend had been replaced by Lucius?" Minerva glared at him, although amusement flared in her eyes for a moment. "Yes, Remus, how DID you not notice?"   
  
Remus blinked, "Well.. He certainly looked like Minerva.. And.. he acted.. sort of like her.." Minerva raised an eyebrow at him.   
  
"Umm...right..." Remus muttered in response, turning red.   
  
"So, does that mean that there's going to be no wedding?" Sirius asked, grinning. "You're a free man, now, Remus!" Remus glanced at Sirius before saying,   
  
"I.. I wanted to get married.." He looked sad, rather puppy-like. Minerva smiled at him and said, "Okay." Remus grinned, and she shrugged.   
  
Juno and Hannah squealed happily. Sirius, on the other hand, threw himself to the ground. "NO!!!!" he screamed, kicking and flailing.   
  
Hannah grinned, "Hey, Sirius, are you aware that Peter has a crush on you?" Sirius looked up at Hannah and smiled.   
  
"Really? You know...I sort of had the hots for him, too..." he replied, tilting his head to the side.   
  
"EWW!" Remus cried, shuddering.   
  
"Hey, you're marrying McGonagall, you don't have anything to brag about!" Sirius snapped.   
  
Minerva glared at him, and stomped on his still-tender foot. "What's THAT supposed to mean?"   
  
Hannah glared at Sirius, "Oh, NO! Mister! If you're gay, which, one would assume, in this universe, you're NOT.. then you're gay with HIM!" She pointed to Remus, "Not Peter! REMUS! Or else your straight!" Hannah managed to look very intimidating for a petite blonde thing, and Sirius actually looked scared.   
  
Okay...since Remus is marrying Minerva...I suppose I have to be straight then, huh? Hehe..."   
  
Suddenly, Dumbledore spoke up. "May I have some of that cheesecake, Mr. Longbottom?"   
  
  
*** 


End file.
